So Jason (the wonderful boyfriend) left for Madagascar yesterday. When I was driving him to the airport, there was some sort of freaky flash flood near Canton and then we got stuck in traffic. But he made his flight with time to spare!
Jason just left on an expedition with a British non-profit called Blue Ventures. He will be SCUBA diving and and surveying the coral reefs, doing research for marine conservation. He will also be teaching English in the local school and traveling on their overland tour through Madagascar. And he won’t be back until August 16th.
So this is kind of like our dry run for the Peace Corps. Except communication with him these next 6 weeks or so will be much more limited than they will be in Peru. I can only send him text email messages which will be printed out by someone at Blue Ventures and given to him once or twice a week. And he can send me text emails back which someone will type up and send to me.. and I think he has to pay to both receive and send messages. So that’s rough.
Well, I’m trying not to make this blog too personal, so I’ll leave out the mushy gushy I miss my boyfriend part. It’s actually not even that bad – I was really sad about him leaving until he left. And now I’m so excited for the adventure he’s having and just can’t wait to hear all about it and have him back here ![]()
The most common reason to leave Peace Corps is because of a significant other (SO). I remember walking into my Peace Corps interview – literally the first question the woman asked me was whether or not I had a boyfriend and immediately had me fill out a form about the nature of our relationship and how we plan on managing living in seperate nations, cultures, and lives. Jason and I have pretty much lived together since we started dating, so not having each other around all the time will definitely be a change for us.
Long distance relationships can generally take one of two forms:
- Relationships are maintained, but problems are solved only when the two see each other.
- Relationships grow around the distance.
There are advantages to both. When one adopts a relationship where a rare phone call (every week or two) can maintain a relationship for a long time, no one can really have a relationship. At best it keeps you both waiting for the next time you see each other. The advantage of this type of relationship is that it takes much less work and can maintain a relationship where you’re used to seeing each other. Also, after the time apart, things can fall back into place afterwards.
The other type, where a relationship works well at long distances, means frequent phone-calls, long discussions about feelings about very minute things, and a partial detachment from wherever you live, as part of your identity is connected solely over phone lines and letters. The advantage is that when fights and problems pop up, you already know how to discuss your emotions with the other person. You have incorporated the distance into how your relationship works, and therefore you see a long distance relationship as a sufficient reward to maintain it. At the same time, once you return, your relationship has to adjust to the idea of seeing the other person on a daily basis, and you have to learn how “normal” relationships work.
If you’re about to join Peace Corps or be very far away from your SO, you need to ask yourself some things:
- What parts of the relationship will you lose?
- Physical?
- Social Groups?
- Emotional Props?
- Sense of Identity?
- What parts of the relationship are you going to maintain?
- How often do you plan on communicating? Will that be enough to tell daily activities, or just major changes in life?
- What are your communication options in your host country? Internet? Phone? Mail?
- What does your SO expect? partial separation for two years? daily phone calls?
- What kinds of problems may erupt while you’re apart? Infidelity? Arguments? Long-term Decision-making? Falling in love with another? How will you deal with that, short of quitting and running home?
- How do you expect your time apart to change you? Who do you expect to be when you return, and how do you think your SO will deal with it?
- How often do you plan to visit? every 6 months? Never? Every 4 months?
Questions about your new host country:
- How many time zones are you apart?
- Can you own a telephone? Can you afford it?
- Can you mail physical letters and packages? How much does it cost?
- Is Internet present? Where?
- Can you Skype? Can you bring a digital camera to your Host Country?
- Do you want to use your vacation time to see your SO, or to go travel?
- When is the first time you plan to see your SO after leaving the United States?
I am lucky. Living in Peru, I will have access to internet and telephone. I will be able to keep in touch. Even though we’re not planning on having any sort of long-distance relationship as described above (it seems a bit unreasonable), we certainly plan on staying in touch very well. We are already very explicit about what we need from each other, what makes us uncomfortable, what makes us happy, and how to avoid arguments. We have also already discussed our expectations thoroughly and have come to a VERY reasonable agreement which we are both satisfied with.
Before coming to PC and maintaining a relationship:
- Find out Internet options, bring Microphone and Web Camera if possible
- Don’t expect much contact for the inital months: you won’t know your mediums of commmunication, so just count on a few letters.
- Consider going to a”middle income” country, such as a Latin American one, Kenya, S. Africa, or Eastern Europe. Your communication and travel options will be much easier.
- Have long talks with SO on what you expect and don’t expect from them.
- Discuss ugly hypothetical problems until you’re sick of it — falling in love with somebody else, hookups, lies, and mistakes.
- Take memorable photos together.
- Think of activities you can do “together” while still apart — watch a movie, play a board game, listening to a CD, and what you need. Playing monopoly over the phone, costing $1.00 a minute, may be worth it in the end.
- Talk about who can afford to make trips, and who can’t
While abroad, remember this:
- Unforeseen issues come up, making scheduled communication sometimes can’t happen: international wires stop working, mailmen lose letters, the Internet can go down in an entire country for days.
- These are the hardest times the relationship will have: difficulty isn’t a good reason to end a relationship.
- Be patient and clear when you’re disagreeing. Tones of voice, body language, loud sighs, and facial expressions don’t work in long-distance relationships. You have to spell everything out, and not blame the other person for not understanding. Likewise, you can’t blame a person for not being able to communicate their frustrations easily.
- Many Peace Corps Volunteers reinvent themselves in their host country and forget entirely about their life in the US. You never will, and that’s okay. Your experience will be much more grounded than theirs.
I am truly blessed to have found someone as supportive and understanding and kind hearted as Jason who will allow me to have the PC experience without having to make a choice about what I want more or what I will want in two years when this is over. There is also no pressure to be in an exclusive long-distance relationship (which would make us miserable) or to break up… easy breezy, just my style.
I’m no expert, but I thought others might benefit from some of this information (which is a compilation of info from wise RPCVs, the PC’s numerous relationship inquiry forms, and my personal experience).
Te amo,
Sasha


